dredging up the past

A: so you dont see value in us being friends or you just dont know of a way that it wont be awkward
Me: right now... both.

Almost 3 months later and we're still not on the same page. When he first broke up with me, I was devastated. I worried that we would never talk again, that the man who had reliably been my best friend for over 6 years would leave a gaping hole in my otherwise ever-changing life. That losing him would mean utter chaos and I would descend into an abyss of overwhelming academics and an even more staggering search for a summer internship.

That was then.

I now know better. The dissolution of our relationship forced me to fully realize my strength as an independent person. I have always maintained a strong sense of self, even within the context of a long-term relationship. But never was that self-awareness so important or evident as when I had to fully depend on myself. When I had to make the decision to physically remove myself from the situation. When I had to literally gather the strength to get off the futon and find my own apartment. When I had to go back to the home that was once ours and reclaim my possessions.

Maybe, to some degree, my detachment from A is a function of bring forced to methodically separate myself from the situation in order to hold it together. I suspect that the more compelling reasons are that we hadn't had a real connection for years, and with his thoughtless actions in the last days A severed any chance we would have had at a post-mortem friendship.

Combine that with the fact that I am busier than I ever have been and hot new guy (STM) has entered my life, and we have a resounding verdict: I don't need A in my life. Nor do I see a point in the future where I will. I harbor no animosity, no regret, not even sadness. I'm just done trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.