Apple Genius

Since graduating with a degree in computer science, I have found that there are certain advantages that only someone with my skills can enjoy. I can set up a wireless router, complete with 128-bit encrypted WEP, to thwart ignorant - or sneaky - neighborhood internet thieves. I can build webpages without the need for WYSIWYG web publishing applications (although they can come in handy). I can set up my TiVo with my eyes closed. I know how to set up a wireless print server (WPS) so I can print from across the house, if I so choose.

Or not.

After successfully hooking up the WPS back in March 05, it was with much dismay that I discovered that the $100 printer that came with the purchase of my new Powerbook, the very same one that came with a $100 rebate that I forgot to mail in, still refused to print a single page. Back then I spent entire evenings at a time reading manuals, downloading Mac drivers, attempting to print test pages... anything that would validate my technical prowess. My one small win finally came in the form of one garbage-filled sheet of test paper. (There is a signal! At least I got the WPS right!) Sadly, determining that the problem lay with my computer was as far as I got before giving up. Several weeks later even A, my official technology guru, was at a loss. It didn't help that when he tried printing from his Windows PC the Epson sprang to life within nanoseconds, as if it had already known it would be summoned to complete such a noble task.

For the next year, my "free" printer sat in the corner of my bedroom, shunned from the otherwise high-tech life that I led. For a while I considered selling the damned thing, but doing so would have confirmed my failure. And my therapy sessions of last fall clearly highlighted my issues in that department...

So when it came time for me to move back home, I boxed up the printer and lugged it with me. I had just about resigned myself to a life of emailing myself attachments to print from other, more worthy machines, when I experienced a life-changing event.

Yesterday, after stopping at the post office to mail HP audiobooks 1-6 to Sars, I decided to linger in Southlake's highly overrated, I mean pretentious, I mean acclaimed Town Square. Yes, it's superficial and obnoxiously ostentatious, but it IS good for quality shopping. I was on my way to J. Crew when I saw the brand new Apple Store with a parallel parking spot waiting for me right at the entrance. Anyone who knows me is well aware that such rock-star parking cannot be passed up. Upon entering I was greeted by Hank, an Apple expert, who asked me if there was anything with which he could help. And somehow the awful details of my printer woes came pouring out.

I walked him through the steps I had taken to try to solve the problem, hoping to prove that I really had exhausted my resources and wasn't as inept as he might have first thought. It seemed to work, as he finally realized that I had already tried everything he could think of. Still, Hank wasn't an Apple Genius, so there were still others in the store who might be able to help. Rather than pay an ungodly sum by bringing my unwarrantied Mac to the store, however, he suggested that I purchase the 12 month ProCare plan for $99, schedule an hour long 1-on-1 appointment with a Genius, and get assistance under the guise of wanting to "learn more about printing digital photos."

And he said he wasn't an Apple Genius.

So I did just that. This morning, after my shiny new ProCare account number had been activated, I went online and scheduled an appointment for Tuesday night. A few hours later, I looked at the Epson printer box warily and decided to give it one last try before admitting total defeat.

Fifteen minutes later, I WAS PRINTING.

True, the evidence was pretty lacking - the print cartridges had lain dormant for so long that ink had crusted over all but a few nozzle holes, resulting in a very streaky test page. But I could tell it wasn't just another sheet of computer garbage. There, in poorly-spaced lines of bluish-green and black, was the undeniable shape of a woman with an afro.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out what I did differently. But I've been around long enough to know that you just don't question these things. And I'm still going to my Mac appointment on Tuesday - if nothing else to gloat about my victory. Maybe we can still squeeze in some digital printing tips with the 10 minutes we have left.