After spending a long few days mulling over recent events, it has become clear that I am not only afraid of commitment, but also that I have never really had to confront and deal with that fear before now. It seems that most of the things in my life have just happened naturally. I moved to a new state, I graduated high school, I went to college, I fell in love with a boy, I graduated college and got a job. The boy followed me around and I therefore didn't have to worry about what would happen to us and what to do - he was more than willing to accomodate my life. Now things aren't just falling into place like they used to, and I am struggling to figure everything out.
I am at a point where there is a clear opportunity to make a life-altering decision... I have an idea of where I want things to go, but... How can I be sure?
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Saturday, March 26, 2005
should i stay or should i go
Earlier this week, I received word from A that he would be in town to be with his family while his dad underwent an unexpected and serious heart surgery. When I first heard, my heart immediately went out to him and his entire family. They have been so important to me for 4 1/2 years, and to not be emotional would have been impossible. I still love A as my best friend - and, at this point, still something much more - and would never want him to go through such an ordeal alone. However, I am no longer the same person that I was in A's life, and I had no clue regarding this family's opinion of me, so the role that I was to play in everything was incredibly unclear. That being the case, I figured I'd leave it up to A to let me know if he needed me.
That lasted about a day and a half, until I was so sick from worry that I was practically puking all over my keyboard at work. I finally text-messaged A, to see how things were going, and he called back immediately, on the verge of tears and unable to talk about what was happening. I explained the situation to my boss and headed to the hospital. I was welcomed by the family with open arms, and have been every time I have visited since then. It is apparent that no one knows how to introduce me to the many family friends that have stopped by to express their support - "Hi, this is H... A's friend." It doesn't really bother me, but every time it is strangely surprising to hear those words come out of their mouths.
Things with A's dad are still quite serious, and there have been many bumps along the road. At the moment, things are looking better than they have in a while, and for that I am grateful. The problem I am having is much less critical as A's dad's medical condition, yet it is quite literally tearing me up inside. All week I have attempted to be with A as his best friend - to listen when he needs to vent, to entertain when he's bored, and to hold him during the hard times. It is nearly impossible for me to do all of this without feeling an intense and deep regret for ending our relationship. Even as I type this, I know that our breakup was for a reason and that reason remains unchanged. But I am having a really hard time finding the balance between ex-girlfriend and best friend.
A has told me repeatedly that if I am uncomfortable with being at the hospital, I can feel free to go. He has also said that he would like me around as much as possible, and that my presence there is immeasurably helpful. To be honest, the only time I am uncomfortable is not when I am there with him and his family, but when A and I are left alone in the waiting room and I have to simultanenously comfort and remain emotionally distanced. I don't think, however, that my discomfort is reason enough not to be there when he needs me. I know him better than anyone in the world, and he knows me equally as well. Denying my friendship at such a trying time would be unthinkable.
But when I finally leave the hospital and get back home, my head swirls with feelings and thoughts that just seem too overwhelming to handle - is he not calling me because something terrible has happened? How will I ever get over him? Is he as confused as I am? What am I doing to myself, to him, to us? The questions come at me with such force and speed that I cannot process through them all, and so I'm perpetually in a state of mental exhaustion and angst. Despite my best attempts to hide my anxieties from A, it has unfortunately already come up on several occasions. I know it's not fair to him, that he has other things to deal with and I am the least of his worries. So I am constantly waging a war with my brain: am I hurting A more than I am helping?
Probably. For now, tonight's plan involves staying at home, taking a break from everything and most likely a little bit of feeling-sorry-for-myselfness. But I guess anything could happen if he calls.
That lasted about a day and a half, until I was so sick from worry that I was practically puking all over my keyboard at work. I finally text-messaged A, to see how things were going, and he called back immediately, on the verge of tears and unable to talk about what was happening. I explained the situation to my boss and headed to the hospital. I was welcomed by the family with open arms, and have been every time I have visited since then. It is apparent that no one knows how to introduce me to the many family friends that have stopped by to express their support - "Hi, this is H... A's friend." It doesn't really bother me, but every time it is strangely surprising to hear those words come out of their mouths.
Things with A's dad are still quite serious, and there have been many bumps along the road. At the moment, things are looking better than they have in a while, and for that I am grateful. The problem I am having is much less critical as A's dad's medical condition, yet it is quite literally tearing me up inside. All week I have attempted to be with A as his best friend - to listen when he needs to vent, to entertain when he's bored, and to hold him during the hard times. It is nearly impossible for me to do all of this without feeling an intense and deep regret for ending our relationship. Even as I type this, I know that our breakup was for a reason and that reason remains unchanged. But I am having a really hard time finding the balance between ex-girlfriend and best friend.
A has told me repeatedly that if I am uncomfortable with being at the hospital, I can feel free to go. He has also said that he would like me around as much as possible, and that my presence there is immeasurably helpful. To be honest, the only time I am uncomfortable is not when I am there with him and his family, but when A and I are left alone in the waiting room and I have to simultanenously comfort and remain emotionally distanced. I don't think, however, that my discomfort is reason enough not to be there when he needs me. I know him better than anyone in the world, and he knows me equally as well. Denying my friendship at such a trying time would be unthinkable.
But when I finally leave the hospital and get back home, my head swirls with feelings and thoughts that just seem too overwhelming to handle - is he not calling me because something terrible has happened? How will I ever get over him? Is he as confused as I am? What am I doing to myself, to him, to us? The questions come at me with such force and speed that I cannot process through them all, and so I'm perpetually in a state of mental exhaustion and angst. Despite my best attempts to hide my anxieties from A, it has unfortunately already come up on several occasions. I know it's not fair to him, that he has other things to deal with and I am the least of his worries. So I am constantly waging a war with my brain: am I hurting A more than I am helping?
Probably. For now, tonight's plan involves staying at home, taking a break from everything and most likely a little bit of feeling-sorry-for-myselfness. But I guess anything could happen if he calls.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Thursday, March 03, 2005
back from the dead
I know it's been a while... To make a long story short, A & I broke up 2 weekends ago, and I haven't felt like blogging. Every time I sit down to type up an entry, my mind knows not where to begin.
So I'm hoping that this discombobulated mess of a post will somehow inspire more witty, insightful and/or entertaining entries in the future.
What have I been doing since our breakup? I have been delirious with joy at having received my new computer. I finally attended that Romantic International fondue class at Central Market. I went to an improv show in Sundance Square. I have been getting used to the complexities of my new job, making mistakes and useful alliances, all at the same time. I was the third wheel at a dinner with my friend and her fiance. Me - a third wheel! I went jewelry shopping and then to see the Splendors of the Forbidden City exhibit at the DMA with my mom. I ate dinner with my family. I have started researching the idea of teaching English in Asia. I have thought about going to business school, but still really don't want to go. I invested in a Roth IRA and incurred the highest credit card bill of my life.
I have also spent time with friends, attended happy hours, gone out to bars... and I haven't really had a whole lot of fun doing any of it. It's not un-fun, it's just seems like all of the things I used to do for fun have lost their meaning. And I don't know how to regain happiness. I'm not depressed. I'm not anything, really, but I do know that I am not emotionally well. Our breakup was quite mutual. There was no screaming, no ill-will, no blaming... it even glimmered ever-so-faintly of hope. I think that's why it will be so difficult for me to get over him. How can I put something so positive and enriching as my time with A behind me? Charlotte says that it takes you 1/2 of the length of your relationship to actually get over it.
If there is any truth to that, I have 2.25 years to go.
This weekend I am slated to make an appearance at a good friend's wedding in Toronto. The plan is to look hot, enjoy myself, and meet some new and exciting boys. What I fear will happen is that the only other wedding guest I know will be so busy being a part of the wedding party that I will just melt into the background and have a terrible time, wondering why I went in the first place. What will probably happen? I will have a fairly good time, get moderately drunk, meet some fun people and then go home feeling the same as I did when I headed to Canada in the first place. Which isn't a bad thing... just odd and unsettling.
On a good note, J is in a similar situation, and may soon be rendering me a visit in Cowtown! I wonder if the cowboys could handle two newly-single women?
So I'm hoping that this discombobulated mess of a post will somehow inspire more witty, insightful and/or entertaining entries in the future.
What have I been doing since our breakup? I have been delirious with joy at having received my new computer. I finally attended that Romantic International fondue class at Central Market. I went to an improv show in Sundance Square. I have been getting used to the complexities of my new job, making mistakes and useful alliances, all at the same time. I was the third wheel at a dinner with my friend and her fiance. Me - a third wheel! I went jewelry shopping and then to see the Splendors of the Forbidden City exhibit at the DMA with my mom. I ate dinner with my family. I have started researching the idea of teaching English in Asia. I have thought about going to business school, but still really don't want to go. I invested in a Roth IRA and incurred the highest credit card bill of my life.
I have also spent time with friends, attended happy hours, gone out to bars... and I haven't really had a whole lot of fun doing any of it. It's not un-fun, it's just seems like all of the things I used to do for fun have lost their meaning. And I don't know how to regain happiness. I'm not depressed. I'm not anything, really, but I do know that I am not emotionally well. Our breakup was quite mutual. There was no screaming, no ill-will, no blaming... it even glimmered ever-so-faintly of hope. I think that's why it will be so difficult for me to get over him. How can I put something so positive and enriching as my time with A behind me? Charlotte says that it takes you 1/2 of the length of your relationship to actually get over it.
If there is any truth to that, I have 2.25 years to go.
This weekend I am slated to make an appearance at a good friend's wedding in Toronto. The plan is to look hot, enjoy myself, and meet some new and exciting boys. What I fear will happen is that the only other wedding guest I know will be so busy being a part of the wedding party that I will just melt into the background and have a terrible time, wondering why I went in the first place. What will probably happen? I will have a fairly good time, get moderately drunk, meet some fun people and then go home feeling the same as I did when I headed to Canada in the first place. Which isn't a bad thing... just odd and unsettling.
On a good note, J is in a similar situation, and may soon be rendering me a visit in Cowtown! I wonder if the cowboys could handle two newly-single women?
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