lost

I never thought that so soon after my whirlwind summer schedule of travel and excitement I would return to such a pathetic state of... nothingness. I have been to New Orleans, New York, Boston, Dallas 3 times in one week (quite the trek in and of itself), Alaska and back. During that time, I knew nary a dull moment - nothing but learning, experiencing, living... I jumped out of a plane, learned a new and unladylike dance move, went fly-fishing with bears (oh, my!), met a strangely alluring Brit, reunited with many dear friends and had the time of my life doing all that and more.

Yet now that I'm back to the old routine (i.e. being a homebody), I just canNOT, for the life of me, shake the post-relationship mental rehashing. Every spare moment of the day - of which there are many, these days - is spent thinking about good times with A, what made us work, what went wrong, things I wish I had said, and things that might have been done to prevent all the damage done along the way. I also have moments of strength and lucidity... where I see our breakup as rational and think, hey, if one of us falls more in love with someone else, that means there must be that equally-special someone for the other person. And that's OK.

Of course, with none of it being relevant to the current state of affairs, I do realize that there is little point in reliving what "might have been." I also know that I've had these thoughts before, and past experience indicates that they are a normal step towards letting go. The last time this happened, however, I never got that chance to get past the "what ifs & regrets" stage. We got back together, things were temporarily blissful, and then, once again, I got cold feet.

If I don't get over this soon, I may have to do something drastic. Like talk to a bonafide professional.

Me - crazy? Who would have thought?