Earlier this week, I received word from A that he would be in town to be with his family while his dad underwent an unexpected and serious heart surgery. When I first heard, my heart immediately went out to him and his entire family. They have been so important to me for 4 1/2 years, and to not be emotional would have been impossible. I still love A as my best friend - and, at this point, still something much more - and would never want him to go through such an ordeal alone. However, I am no longer the same person that I was in A's life, and I had no clue regarding this family's opinion of me, so the role that I was to play in everything was incredibly unclear. That being the case, I figured I'd leave it up to A to let me know if he needed me.
That lasted about a day and a half, until I was so sick from worry that I was practically puking all over my keyboard at work. I finally text-messaged A, to see how things were going, and he called back immediately, on the verge of tears and unable to talk about what was happening. I explained the situation to my boss and headed to the hospital. I was welcomed by the family with open arms, and have been every time I have visited since then. It is apparent that no one knows how to introduce me to the many family friends that have stopped by to express their support - "Hi, this is H... A's friend." It doesn't really bother me, but every time it is strangely surprising to hear those words come out of their mouths.
Things with A's dad are still quite serious, and there have been many bumps along the road. At the moment, things are looking better than they have in a while, and for that I am grateful. The problem I am having is much less critical as A's dad's medical condition, yet it is quite literally tearing me up inside. All week I have attempted to be with A as his best friend - to listen when he needs to vent, to entertain when he's bored, and to hold him during the hard times. It is nearly impossible for me to do all of this without feeling an intense and deep regret for ending our relationship. Even as I type this, I know that our breakup was for a reason and that reason remains unchanged. But I am having a really hard time finding the balance between ex-girlfriend and best friend.
A has told me repeatedly that if I am uncomfortable with being at the hospital, I can feel free to go. He has also said that he would like me around as much as possible, and that my presence there is immeasurably helpful. To be honest, the only time I am uncomfortable is not when I am there with him and his family, but when A and I are left alone in the waiting room and I have to simultanenously comfort and remain emotionally distanced. I don't think, however, that my discomfort is reason enough not to be there when he needs me. I know him better than anyone in the world, and he knows me equally as well. Denying my friendship at such a trying time would be unthinkable.
But when I finally leave the hospital and get back home, my head swirls with feelings and thoughts that just seem too overwhelming to handle - is he not calling me because something terrible has happened? How will I ever get over him? Is he as confused as I am? What am I doing to myself, to him, to us? The questions come at me with such force and speed that I cannot process through them all, and so I'm perpetually in a state of mental exhaustion and angst. Despite my best attempts to hide my anxieties from A, it has unfortunately already come up on several occasions. I know it's not fair to him, that he has other things to deal with and I am the least of his worries. So I am constantly waging a war with my brain: am I hurting A more than I am helping?
Probably. For now, tonight's plan involves staying at home, taking a break from everything and most likely a little bit of feeling-sorry-for-myselfness. But I guess anything could happen if he calls.
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