a means to something

We knew that saying goodbye this time around would be different. It was the reason that I held his hand so tightly on the way to Austin, the reason he reciprocated the gesture without saying a word. As always, the banter remained the same - easy, lighthearted, comfortable. But we were both well-aware that it was a facade for the inevitable.

Neither of us planned on having to endure long-distance again. Now that very situation was looming in front of us and it was impossible not to acknowledge its presence. After the new furniture had been built, the old furniture carefully arranged, the clothes hung in closets and the fridge freshly stocked, his family headed home. And there was nothing left for us to do but talk about everything that was wrong with "us."

It was perhaps the most honest conversation I have ever had. I found myself telling him things, and then feeling strangely shocked to discover that I was finally verbalizing the torrent of confused emotions that had been so long ignored. That it has taken this long for me to articulate my feelings towards the man with whom I am supposed to share everything is appalling. It is now my belief that this blog was created, in part, to serve as an outlet for me, to say things that I have felt could not be said to him. Or maybe just to keep something for myself. And I am embarrassed to admit that I am just now putting it all together.

I have commitment problems. It seems so unbelievably obvious now. They started when, over two years ago, he moved to another state to be with me, and have since remained as malignant growths on what was once a blissfully, passionately perfect relationship.

So we are taking a break, to help me "figure out what I want." My life, as of late, has become a series of overused clichés, and I hate it. I suddenly have a lot more time to think, and yet most of today was spent in a mental haze. What if I make the wrong decision? Or worse, what if I make the right one, but it is several years overdue?

The guilt of either choice will almost certainly weigh on me for the rest of my life.