keeping busy

Not to say that I have been ignoring the obvious issue at hand, but I've found the perfect distraction for when I'm in need of a break. At the moment, I feel more than a bit like Miranda Hobbs. It is my new boyfriend. It doesn't let me down, it does what I ask it to do, and it gives me my space. Although I have to admit that we've been in the honeymoon phase since I bought it on Saturday...

All I know is this: if anyone gets between us, there will be hell to pay.

and on a lighter note...

Proof that Matilda is a fetching machine:

a means to something

We knew that saying goodbye this time around would be different. It was the reason that I held his hand so tightly on the way to Austin, the reason he reciprocated the gesture without saying a word. As always, the banter remained the same - easy, lighthearted, comfortable. But we were both well-aware that it was a facade for the inevitable.

Neither of us planned on having to endure long-distance again. Now that very situation was looming in front of us and it was impossible not to acknowledge its presence. After the new furniture had been built, the old furniture carefully arranged, the clothes hung in closets and the fridge freshly stocked, his family headed home. And there was nothing left for us to do but talk about everything that was wrong with "us."

It was perhaps the most honest conversation I have ever had. I found myself telling him things, and then feeling strangely shocked to discover that I was finally verbalizing the torrent of confused emotions that had been so long ignored. That it has taken this long for me to articulate my feelings towards the man with whom I am supposed to share everything is appalling. It is now my belief that this blog was created, in part, to serve as an outlet for me, to say things that I have felt could not be said to him. Or maybe just to keep something for myself. And I am embarrassed to admit that I am just now putting it all together.

I have commitment problems. It seems so unbelievably obvious now. They started when, over two years ago, he moved to another state to be with me, and have since remained as malignant growths on what was once a blissfully, passionately perfect relationship.

So we are taking a break, to help me "figure out what I want." My life, as of late, has become a series of overused clichés, and I hate it. I suddenly have a lot more time to think, and yet most of today was spent in a mental haze. What if I make the wrong decision? Or worse, what if I make the right one, but it is several years overdue?

The guilt of either choice will almost certainly weigh on me for the rest of my life.

I've got a new job...

And it's about time they told me about it! The offer was finally made to me late this morning - a position in a group that I am hoping is more in line with my career goals, whatever the hell those might be.

There was only real snag of the day, which can be attributed to my piss-poor negotiation skills. When I told my boss about the offer, his response was first to heartily congratulate me, and then to ask, "So, did you negotiate for what you wanted?"

What? I'm allowed to do that at a company by which I am already employed?

I felt like I was in 4th grade again, immediately after I was fooled into trading to my selfish, two-faced "friend" my most prized oily stickers for a single and wretched smiley faced one. WHAT HAD I DONE?

I then realized that I had left a small window of opportunity cracked open by telling my soon-to-be-boss that I would likely have more questions in the days ahead, seeing as I am new to the world of 'promoting from within.' I took some solace in that fact, but nevertheless berated myself for having put absolutely no thought into how I was going to wheedle them for more money, better benefits, or, at the very least, SOMEthing more creative than "sounds great!"

Guess I'll file this one under Lessons Learned.

brown & blue

So I hadn't made an impulse buy in a while... What the hell, I was going to buy it with next month's bonus anyway!

So I'll probably be indisposed for a while. Don't wait up.

New Mexi-mania!

Since it is late and I am tired of having these pictures on my "to-do" list, I am foregoing the traditional artsy cutout hyperlinks to pictures and instead leaving good old-fashioned links. If you have a problem with that, you might want to consider therapy.

pacecar MINI
Rambo in the New Mexican wild
hiking at Carlsbad
psychadelic cavern shot
HUGE ASS margaritas with special "garnish"
4-wheeling in the sand
Roswell UFO museum
who knew Coke gave aliens muscles?
UFO crash site!
dining in Smokey the Bear's hometown
tumbleweed action shot
driving through Jemez pueblo
A, exploring
hurling a child down a mountain in a plastic bucket
tribute to Oppie, from Los Alamos
Cadillac Ranch, in Amarillo

easing into it

Sorry for the recent lack of entries, but since returning from my yet-to-be-recounted voyage across New Mexico, I have been playing catch-up at work (i.e. wrapping up projects that should have been completed by the end of 2004), preparing for an interview I have tomorrow afternoon (!!) and enjoying a relaxing weekend in San Antonio at the home of the parents of my Blockbuster holiday party date.

Anyway, I now owe everyone 2 sets of pictures, and it looks like they will be in descending chronological order. See scintillating sampler of San Antonio pix below:

Oh, and FYI - the word of the week is cocksucker. I leave it up to you to determine whether to use it as a noun, verb or adjective. And, of course, I'd love to hear of any other uses for it that you can conjure up...

back in the saddle

What a great week! I will be posting some pix as soon as I can get a working computer of my own... Hope everyone had a lovely holiday and was able to get a few days off!